Bitterness in the soul, or oozing negativity from everywhere

Something strange happened today.  I spent long minutes criticising many of the things that were wrong about my university despite knowing that none of it would make anything better, and I was at my very best eloquence-wise.  Matter-of-fact expressions combined with appropriate exaples, along with pseudo-venom about the wrongs of a whole system that seems to stem from idiocy and that defy modern human intelligence; these are not the things one would want for dessert, which was precisely when the whole topic of conversation arose.

While lambasting its merits, or rather lack of, I had thought after thought that stemmed.  Afterwards, while I was reflecting in my room, only then did the bitterness of my previous statements strike me.  Later followed, how had I become such? What had happened? Was it the countless failed attempts at my genuine efforts that came to a halt because of lazy and/or incompetent professors? Was it my own little idealistic world that was having trouble being accommodated into real life? Was it that I was busting myself day-in, day-out without knowing why they were making me do so? Or maybe a combination of all these and some more too?

I guess as much as I have bad luck concerning the French system, it’s the opposite concerning the people I have around me.  It’s been a little over two weeks since I met my a-few-d0ors-on-the-side neighbour but we have already grown quite close.  And she proved to be as good, if not better, of a person I had thought she was tonight when she offered to come lend an attentive ear after seeing that I had been really bitter at dinner, which is normally a sign that I am tired/fed-up/on the verge of blowing up from too much repression, but all that without knowing what my being bitter meant.  Good diagnosis? Sixth sense? Common problem? Deja vu? Who knows.. She’ll make one helluva good doctor though.

We spent maybe around an hour talking tonight.  I must admit it felt nice.  I had re-lost the habit of talking to somebody, hence my quality of life having decreased a bit, due to not really having someone really ‘here’ for a while during times that were very demanding.  Ok, granted that the other person who I would have wanted ‘here’, as I called it, had very demanding times herself with the loss of a family member and also due to other stresses like readapting to a new university/workplace in a ‘new’ city (not literally new since she knew the city pretty well)

I miss Silvia so much that I don’t know what to do.  I have been bound here because of university and now because of paperwork due to my not being part of the EEC.  It is, and I can’t even deny it, putting an intense stress on my rapports with everybody.  I certainly don’t want it to be this way, and I will do all that’s required to remedy to the situation.  Despite understanding that she is busy and has many other commitments, I can’t help but wish that she was ‘here’ a bit more.

Dreadful conclusion: Am I becoming needy!??